


Fly me from the moon

by Keraell



Category: Shadowhunters (TV), The Shadowhunter Chronicles - Cassandra Clare
Genre: Drug Addiction, Drug Use, Emotional Hurt/Comfort, M/M, Multi, Time Skips
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2017-11-02
Updated: 2018-11-23
Packaged: 2019-01-28 15:54:06
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 9
Words: 14,160
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/12610176
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Keraell/pseuds/Keraell
Summary: Alec was a troubled teenager who found his release in drugs. It was hard to be a perfect son and Shadowhunter. Will he overcome his addiction? And how will that influence him in the future when Magnus enters into his life?This fic starts when Alec is 16 and will jump into the future eventually.





	1. Bad side of the moon

**Author's Note:**

> Hi guys, I am planning on this to be longer story, and I will try to update weekly, or at least twice a month. 
> 
> In my head Alec is 23 in the show and I do base most of my knowledge of the world on the show. In this story theres a 7 year gap between events that take place. I don't yet know if I will be jumping from one time period to another or rather keep a timeline. I guess come back for the next chapters.  
> Let me know if i should continue.

_7 years ago (year 2000)_

_April_

The alley was dark and dirty, the only source of light coming from the windows few stories up. A lone figure stood behind a dumpster, blended with the wall so well that they could go unnoticed. Another person entered the alley from the busy street, a man not older than 25, yellow hoodie under a black bomber jacket, jeans hanging low over his hips, he took few hesitant steps in and was about to turn back when the figure from behind the dumpster moved to stand next to him.

‘Shit kid, you almost gave me a heart attack’

‘Sorry’ the boy, a teenager as it appeared now said, his voice unapologetic.

‘Just take your shit and go’ the man said, agrevated, pulling a little package from his pocket and handing it over, arm outstretched for another second until the other placed an envelope in his palm. He started to walk away when a voice called after him.

‘Same place next week?’

‘Sure, see you next week A.G’

The teenager turned the opposite way to the men, stuffed the received pack into his pocket and a second later disappeared into the dark night.

 

*******

Alec was sitting on a bed in room 409 of a very run down hotel downtown New York. Very fast it became his favorite place for dealing with his little secret. He could glamour himself to look older and rent a room, but more than often he would just check the door to each room while wearing the invisibility rune and try his luck that it would be left unlocked. He tried other places like, abandoned buildings, fancier hotels, and once even his room at the Institute, but that one proved too risky and fancier hotels just didn't work for this kind of activity. So Alec settled here in this less than pleasant space. He pulled out the packed he bought today, he was all giddy, impatient for another hit, for the freedom, release. He was waiting for this moment the whole week. The whole week spent listening to his parents telling him how he could put more effort into his training, how he is underperforming some of his task, how Jace and Izzy are doing so much better. He wanted to tell his parents that he is trying his best, that he does all he can but between almost running the Institute when they travel to Idris and babysitting his siblings he barely has time to train himself. He was tired of his siblings constantly doing things that were forbidden just for him to have to cover for them. Tired of trying to be perfect, when no one noticed his efforts anyway. Tired of hiding who he was. He wanted to get that pain of never being enough out but he knew that being a Shadowhunter meant you cannot be weak, so Alec stayed strong and quiet, and for most of the time also high.

It started few months before when Alexander Lightwood stumbled upon a drug dealer on his way back from a patrol, Jessy, the guy in the bomer jacket took him for a customer and somehow Alec ended up not correcting the men and buying what was offered and from that moment his life changed. It wasn’t instant. It took him almost a month before he caved and actually opened the little pack. It was stuffed in his sock drawer, inside a christmas sock he got from Izzy last holiday season, he had a vague idea as to what it could be, that’s why he didn’t touch it for such a long time. Alec might have been a Shadowhunter but he wasn’t completely oblivious to the mundane world and the activities that mundanes are prone to. Jace, Isabelle and himself have collected quite a library of books and magazines, occasionally even going out to movies. So when on one particularly bad day, after another patrol when he almost let Izzy get bitten by a demon, and got reprimanded by his parents for being irresponsible and not fast and efficient enough, even though Izzy pointed out to them that not only is she fine, but that Alec broke three ribs while falling down the stairs because he was indeed trying to save his sister. Jace followed him when he stormed off to his room, he was trying to console Alec, to say that it was his fault because he had a date and didn’t accompany them. He was trying to convince his parabatai that their parents were unfair and that everyone really knew he would never let Izzy get hurt, it all fell on deaf ears as it seemed when Alec promptly slammed his bedroom door right in front of Jace’s face. He could hear his brother sigh and reassure him again that all will be fine, before his footsteps faded. After half an hour of sitting still at his window seal, Alec suddenly got up and pulled open his sock drawer. He took out his not so mysterious purchase. He got out his stele to lock his door not only with a key but also with a rune. Shortly after he was flying, he felt lighter than ever before, all the guilt, doubt and insecurities were gone, replace with an euphoric feeling of millions of possibilities, replaced with pleasant fuzziness. And just like that with that first hit of freedom Alec Lightwood was addicted.


	2. Over the Hills and Far Away.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Well I lied to you terribly. It has been over two months since the first chapter. I am not making any more promises, but I really really want to finish this story, so I will try my best.  
> Honestly the reason I haven't posted is the lack of faith in my writing, it's at best mediocre and I'm not very happy with it, although this chapter is hopefully better than the firts one.  
> Chapter 3 will fallow...eventually. Would you rather have me jump into the present time or develop the story in a chronological order?  
> Thank you all for reading and I hope you enjoy. If there's anything you would like to see in this story let me know xxx

Jace Wayland knew his siblings pretty well, despite only spending the last 6 years of his life with them, and despite being a stranger when he joined the Lightwoods he fitted in with Izzy and Alec amazingly well. So yes, if someone was to ask him he would not hesitate to claim that he knows them well. He knows his parabatai, he is sure of it. But recently there’s been doubt brewing under the surface of his skin, fueled by Alec’s bizarre behavior and Jace’s inability to crack that sealed can that his brother was. Few months ago, he noticed changes in Alec’ behavior, and then he noticed a shift in the way their bond felt, but he couldn’t really explain what exactly felt different. Sure, Alec was never a one to share his feelings, that's for sure. He never wanted neither him nor Izzy involved whenever their parents decided that they were not trying hard enough and of course would only take it up with Alec. As for some reason Maryse and Robert felt it was Alec that should be held responsible for his siblings action. On many occasions both Jace and their sister tried to intervene to rightfully take the blame and responsibility away from their older brother but it was fruitless, Alec would stand his ground and face their parents like a good little soldier and A+ big brother that he was. He would listen to their parents scoldings for hours, only nodding his head and promising to do better in the future, even though it was not him that needed to change. However in the last few weeks he wouldn’t leave those conversations with his head hung low, shoulder tense, and a scowl on his face, instead he seemed lost in his thought with an eager pace to leave the room. At first it made Maryse and Robert even angrier, but recently it seemed even they have given up, and instead backed away to focus more on Max, the only child they still had any hope for. Usually after a bad lecture from their parents Izzy and Jace would try to make it up to Alec by bringing snacks to his room and distracting him with mundane Tv programs, and promises of trying not to let Alec down in the future. Recently they were lucky if they got to say sorry to their brother in passing, because as soon as the lecture was over Alec would rush past them, shutting the door to his room without a word. This odd behaviour was starting to get old with Jace quite fast, as he wasn’t keen on being kept in the dark in regards to his parabatai.  
And that’s how Jace found himself in Izzy’s room. He walked in without knocking, not caring that his sister clearly just took a shower. Izzy let out a cry of surprise and adjusted the towel she was about to drop on the floor.  
‘It’s called knocking you moron!’ she exclaimed.  
‘Yeah, yeah. Whatever, listen Iz, I have had up to here’ He said, raising his hand as high above his head as possible. ’With your brother's stupid behaviour.’  
‘So he’s just my brother now?’ she teased with a smirk, while untangling the towel from her hair.  
Jace who was making himself comfortable amongst the see of pillows on Izzy’s bed nodded.  
‘Yep..so you know. Deal with him’ He grinned but a second letter his face fell and turned into a concerned look.  
‘No but seriously, do you have any idea what is going on with Alec?’ he knew him and Alec were parabatai, and shared a special bond, he loved Alec, but he also knew that if there was anyone who was even closer to him, it was Izzy. The two of them have been a team ever since Izzy’s birth, forced to rely on each other, to be each other's support in the absence of a caring adult, befotr Jace showed up, and Max was born, the two of them had became a unit.  
‘Well to be honest, I was hoping you would know something, that maybe he spoke to you, or that you felt something through the bond. I was actually going to say something soon’ they shared a look and then both pondered in silence for another minute. Until Izzy stood up, and turned around to disappear into her bathroom, emerging few minutes later dressed in her pajamas  
‘Ok, we both know that something is going on, we just need to find out what exactly it is. What do we know so far?’ Jace was more than ready to deal with this problem and get his brother back, since he came to New York both Izzy and Alec have been his support system and he felt out of place when one of his pillars was absent.  
‘We know he’s been locking himself in his room all day, and that he doesn’t pay as much attention to neither his training or his studies.’ Izzy said while grabbing a brush, she was more worried than ever now that she knew Jace had similar concerns regarding Alec, for the long time now she knew something wasn’t right but she struggled with admitting that it was her brother that needed her and not the other way around. Her invincible, strong big brother needed her and she wasn’t exactly ready to face the fact that she had to help him, when in her eyes there was not a thing that could defeat him.  
‘I know roughly when it started’ Jace said but shame in his voice, he folded his arms in front of himself like he often did when he was uncomfortable or uneasy. ‘My bond hasn’t been feeling the same for about 6 months now, at first I could feel him being angrier than usual and then after few weeks it started to feel, I don’t know how to describe it, almost like Alec’s not all there, I can feel his body, but his emotions are subdued, I wanted to speak to him for a long time now but it’s not easy since he’s either not here, or he is barricaded up in his room, and you know him, he would just lie to me anyway and get away with some bullshit excuse.’ Jace kept on rambling trying to justify his lack of action. Honestly he felt guilty for not pushing harder, for not taking action sooner.  
‘I know, I know, no need to preach to the choir. He lost weight too, have you noticed?’ Izzy kept on, listing more things that she noticed about her brother.’And he always looks ill, he’s not just pale anymore, his skin is literally gray.I really have no idea what is possibly going on but we need to find out and fix it, and fast’  
‘No argument here Iz, let’s get out bro back’ They shared a hug and said their goodnights, both still too wrapped up in worry over Alec a sleepless night laid ahead of them.

***  
That hatred he felt towards himself, that feeling of disgust he had brewing for deep within. The constant feeling of not being enough, the feeling of being a disappointment to everyone around him. He wanted it gone. On a normal day, the anxieties of not fulfilling his duty would eat at him, whenever he was training and would make a wrong move, whenever he was hunting and someone else took out the danger before him, whenever his paperwork took few hours longer. Whenever in classes he would get distracted or would be too tired to pay attention. He asked himself time and again, why couldn’t he do anything right? How does it happen that he tries and tries and never succeeds? He wished for any distraction from this pain deep within him, the feeling of his nerves frying, of the helplessness bubbling inside him, spilling out and burning everything he touches. There was no way out, he was stuck in this place, in this place of no return. There was no option of escaping because he would never abandon his family and his duty ,there was no way he would abandon his siblings.  
But that has changed recently, well not the self loathing and horrible reality that he wasn’t capable enough. What changed is the fact that now, it is all somewhat easier. He can breath again, when the needle leaves his arm he can pretend that his miserable life is a far away issue, that he doesn’t have to deal with. For those few hours after he comes down from his high, Alec Lightwood is free. And now that he has been exploring his new hobby as he prefers to refer to, he is able to hold on to that feeling for longer, he no longer cares that someone will catch him. He is of course still careful not to expose his siblings to his hobby, he’s a Shadowhunter but he’s also not a completely clueless, he knows that what he is doing is wrong, so he keeps it all hush hush.  
He started popping pills somewhere along the third or fourth month of using. The feeling he got from injecting himself was amazing but he quickly realised that it collided with his duty, making him drowsy and sluggish. And the pills were not only a quick fix but gave him an energy boost that resulted in Maryse praising him after she watched his sparring session with Jace which made him altogether dismiss any doubts about his new habits.  
Everything was going as well as possible and for the first time in a long time, Alec felt like he had control over his life, his training was going great, he wasn’t as bothered about his parents anymore, even his stupid crush on Jace seemed barley and issue.  
He would just have to keep the little voice in the back of his head quiet for a little longer. Because he doesn’t have a problem, what he has is a solution, right? It’s all under control.


	3. Out on the tiles

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Busted!

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you all for the lovely comments on the last chapter, it really made it easier to write this chapter knowing you guys enjoy it. Hopefully this one holds up.   
> Little trivia: who can tell me who Jesse is?  
> Also I'm open to suggestions of what you'd like to see happen next x  
> much love xxxx

She followed his every movement, vigilant of every step he took, there was no chance that her focused enhanced eyes would miss anything. Without making a noise she travelled the streets of New York, navigating between people and buildings, glamoured against maundanes.   
She worried he might sense her, after all he received the same training as her and his senses were heightened with his angelic blood, but he didn’t and now she was perched on a fire escape of some dark dirty alley watching her brother lurk in shadows.   
It has only been three days since Isabelle and Jace started their secret mission of finding out what’s wrong with Alec. At first she was against stalking their brother instead opting for a more grown up solution, of simply forcing him to talk.Jace persuaded her that it would be pointless.  
Two previous days proved to be fruitless as Alec rarely left his room, and the only times he did, was to either train with Jace or grab food, although that did not happen often enough for Izzy’s liking anyway. The constant surveillance finally paid of, when just after the clock announced midnight the door to Alec’s room opened and her brother made his way out of the Institute. Jace and her had worked out a shift pattern between them to make sure they never lose sight of Alec. Without loosing time in waking Jace, Izzy activated her speed rune and went on a chase.  
That’s how she found herself with a hearing rune activated, patiently waiting for whatever was to come. After ten minutes of stillness, she started second guessing herself, and Alec for that matter. Maybe he knew they were following him all the time and decided to play a prank on them? Various scenarios run through her head, and she lost focus for a second just to be ripped away from her musing by a sound coming from the left entrance of the ally.  
‘Hey! A.G you here?’  
The guy was young, his head covered in a striped beanie, faded jeans hang low on his hips, making it possible to see too much of his underwear, yellow oversized hoodie making him look shorter than he was. He was looking nervously around the ally, shaking ever so slightly, with nerves she assumed. Who was he? And who was A.G, her thoughts were interrupted yet again by another voice, this one she recognized instantly.  
‘Jesse.’ Alec greeted the stranger. ‘You’ve got everything?’ His voice sounded strained and also somewhat urgent, like he wasn’t very happy about being here, but also couldn’t contain his excitement.  
‘Here’ She could see him pass some kind of a packed to Alec, who in turn handed the men ...a roll of money? What would Alec be buying?   
‘Pleasure doing business with you A.G. Like always. Same time next week?’  
‘Yes, see you soon’ And before anything else was said Alec was out of the ally, like a horde of demons was chasing him. Izzy was torn between going after him and going after Jesse. She was supposed to have eyes on Alec constantly but Jesse was a lead and she couldn’t let him go.   
Using her speed she caught up with the men and blocked his path.   
‘Hi there stranger’ She purred suggestively. ‘Got a second’ and with that she dragged the men into yet another alley.   
‘Hey get off me, who the fuck are you! What do you think you’re doing’ The guy kept yelling, trying to get away, but Izzy had an iron grip on him. She pushed him against the wall, hard enough to stun him, but not hard enough to hurt him.  
‘Shut up! I just have few questions’ she smirked at his terrified expression.  
‘Are you a cop? You can’t be, you’re to young’ Jesse kept squirming but couldn’t win with the teenage girl, and frankly felt pathetic.   
‘I’m not.‘ She stated simply, she wanted to go into as little detail as possible. ‘I just want to know about the guy you just spoke with’.  
‘What guy, I wasn’t speaking to anyone’  
‘Don’t lie to me, I saw you, you called him A.G’  
‘He’s a … friend. What do you want from him?’ Izzy was losing her patients, she wanted answers and she wanted them now.   
‘He’s my brother and I want to know what he is buying off you?’  
‘Aaa, a sister, nice. You do look quite similar actually. So what’s in it for me? I help you, you help me’ And the game was over. Izzy slammed his head against the wall, this time with force and wrapped her hand around his neck.   
‘What’s in it for you, is that you will walk out from here with your two legs still attached.’ She hissed in his ear, while tightening her grip. ‘And now tell me everything.’   
Between the gasps he started explaining the nature of his relationship with Alec.  
“I’m his dealer, ok man. I just sell him drugs. That’s it.’ It came as a surprise to both when the grip on Jesse’s neck lossend.  
‘Drugs?’ Drugs? But it’s not possible, Alec would never do drugs, and mundane drugs?   
‘Yeah man, coke, ecstasy, all that jazz. He’s one of my best clients actually.’  
‘How long?’ Was all she could think to ask. She had to know how long she was failing as a sister, how long did it take her to even notice that something was going on with her brother.   
‘Around eight, nine months I guess’ the guy shrugged, watched her for another second, and then he was running away, using the first opportunity, as Izzy was stunned into silence, unable to even move. How was all of that possible? How did this happen? What will they do about it? Why would Alec do drugs in the first place? Thousands of questions were running through her head. She took few shaky steps and braced herself on the wall. It was hard to breath, hard to comprehend the situation, she was at loss. She needed help. Alec needed help.

Jace was ripped away from his peaceful slumber, his bedding landing on the floor together with half of his body.  
‘What the hell?’ he exclaimed, while at the same time he was instinctively reaching for his seraph blade, which was always on his nightstand, and then he noticed his sister hovering over him with a look on her face that he never seen before, sure he has seen her scared, when they were on missions and they thought they won’t make it. He has seen her face in fury, usually over their parents decision he has seen her concerned and sad but he has never seen all those emotions play on her face at the same time, mixed with a pinch of helplessness and need ‘Izzy, what are you doing? Shit, I could’ve killed you. Something happened?’  
‘We both know that would never happen, I would put you on your ass in seconds. But that’s not important. I know what’s wrong with Alec!’  
‘What? How?’ Jace sounded almost excited and then annoyed when he added. ‘And why couldn’t it wait till morning?’  
‘Well, he left his room, so I followed him, and I saw him meet with this guy. And I cornered him, the guy, after Alec left and Jace....’ She looked at her adoptive brother with such desperation, that Jace could literally feel his heart go up his throat. ‘It’s bad, it's so bad, I don’t know what we are going to do, and what if mum and dad find out, and ..oh god Alec, I can’t believe it, I don’t know. Jace what are we going to do?’  
‘Well first, calm down ok, whatever it is we will deal with it.’ He said, at this point Izzy sat down heavily on the edge of his bed, so he joined her and wrapped an arm around her shoulders trying to give some comfort. ‘And second, mind telling me what exactly it’s going on, you know I’m not patient and this is killing me.’ keeping the atmosphere light in stressful situations was what Jace knew how to do best, even when he desperately wanted to know what was going on.  
‘Alec is… he’s, Angels! He’s doing drugs! Mundane drugs! The guys he met with was his dealer.’  
‘What? That’s impossible, Alec would never do that?’   
‘Yeah well, surprise! He did. And has been doing so for months’  
‘Months? Is that why the bond felt so different?’   
‘I guess, you said it feels subdue, probably because our dear brother was high’ at that Izzy laughed, what started off as a snort quickly turned into a hysterical laughter, tears streaming down her face she looked up at Jace.   
‘Hey, it’s ok Iz, we will deal with it. We will help him and everything will be back to normal’  
‘We didn’t notice anything, I’m a horrible sister, I should’ve know something was off, and it took me months, I wasn’t even the first to say anything, how will he ever forgive me?’  
‘Well, both of us suck then, what kind of a parabatai am I huh? I could feel something was different but did nothing about it, this is my fault, I have a responsibility to our bond.’  
After those declaration, both fell into a heavy silence, lost in guilt. Until Jace sprung out of bed.   
‘Izzy!’  
‘What is it’   
‘We are so stupid, Alec was buying drugs, which means he has a new supply, which means he’s getting high as we speak, I can feel it now that I know what to search for.’  
‘Well then. It’s time to teach Alec a lesson. You don’t go behind your little sisters back,’


	4. In the Light

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Very sorry it's taken so long guys. I'm also not promising swift updates. I have so much going on in my life right now, but I will finish this fic. Promise.  
> Hope you like this chapter even though I know it's not the best. 
> 
> xxx

His room was always quiet, unlike Izzy’s or Jace’s he never went out of his way to purchase mundane electronic devices, he didn't listen to music, and he’d only used the computers that belonged to the Institute, and as soon as he got his first phone he got rid of the alarm clock that usually sat at his nightstand. He liked the silence, he needed it, to focus on his thoughts, it allowed him to not get distracted from his mistakes and the ways of fixing them. However, there were times when he was desperate for a distraction, when thinking was to overwhelming. In those moments he would turned towards books. Reading was an escape and that’s how he ended up with a whole wall of bookshelves, and when he run out of space he had to stack the books on the floor. 

Now Alec was on his way back home from his meeting with Jesse, every few minutes his hand would travel up to his chest to tap the left side of his jacket making sure that his purchess was safe and secure. He wasn’t paying much attention to his surrounding only focused on his destination, his room at the Institute, and on the fastest way to get there, when a sudden noise of the blowing horn made him snap his head up, he saw a car break harshly in order to avoid hitting a homeless man who charged onto the road. Shaking his head he looked around and realized that he was standing almost in front of his favourite bookshop, it was almost a feeling of being shocked, his head felt clear for a moment when he realised that it’s been months since he read a book. It has been months since he focused on analysing his actions, in a sense in has been months since he was himself. Taking a shaky step back, Alec started walking in opposite direction, heading towards Prospect Park instead of the Institute. He couldn’t understand why he was questioning himself, he should be glad, the many months, years that he’d spend on hating himself, on trying to change himself, yet now he was panicking because he achieved his goal? He was finally free of the self-loathing, he no longer craved his parents approval, he no longer feared that because of his preferences he will be shunned away from being a Shadowhunter, he was content with his life at the minute, so why was everything suddenly ten times worse? 

Suddenly he felt really heavy, like the weight was settled back on his shoulders and the new kind of shame and guilt made its way into his brain. He was a druggie. There was no way around it, he needed drugs to breath, to function, all this months of pretending that this was just a thing he did to feel better, that he had complete control over it, disappeared in this moment. There was no way he could lock that away now, it was out in the open and he had to face the fact that he failed again, in a new spectacular way only he could. And the worst part of this realisation was that now the package in his pocket felt heavier than ever, it was like a hot pulsing magnet, just waiting for him to pull it out and use it. And no matter how much he hated himself, no matter that he just realised it is probably the biggest mistake he made in his life so far, Alec was weak, he surrendered. He only just got to the Park but he turned around and made his way back to the Institute, the urgency even greater, because no matter what, he will forget about his dilemmas very soon. 

*** 

Jace was almost out the door when Izzy grabbed his shoulder. ‘Wait, we need to think about this.’ ‘Think about what, we have to stop him’ He looked at his sister with disbelieve, didn’t they just have a conversation about their brother being addicted to drugs, it seem kind of important to put a stop to his activities. ‘I know but, it’s Alec. Think about it, he’s like a frighten little gazelle whenever anyone even approaches a conversation about him. Imagine how it will be if we barge in demanding to know about his…’ At that she stopped, casting her gaze to the floor, it was hard to get this words out, it was admitting that they have failed as siblings. ‘Addiction, and you said he’s probably high. It could turn ugly.' She was right, Jace knew she was right, but he wasn’t a patient person, he was a shot first ask questions later kind of a person and he wanted to sort this situation out, to have his parabatai back to normal. To have his guilt go away. 

*** 

He was flying away. He could feel the euphory all over his being, and in that moment he knew there was no better feeling in the world. He couldn’t quite put his finger on it but he knew he escaped something horrible and it felt great. He layed in his bed, his hands were making shapes in the air, the world was spinning around him, but it was not making him dizzy. After a while of laying like that, he heard a loud noise, or he thought he did, there was another shape in front of his face, something dark, something familiar… 

Jace and Izzy all but bursted into Alec’s room. Both first directing their gazes at the oldest sibling, and then with one last look, which seemed like a silent agreement they both headed towards different directions. Isabelle, aprached Alec with caution, calling his name ever so softly. The eldest Lightwood, was looking around but it appeared he had yet to notice his guests. He swatted his hand in a very slow motion, as if he was getting rid of a fly, which in reality was Izzy’s hand, she was clicking her fingers in front of his face, trying to get his attention to focus. 

While she struggled with that task, Jace seeing the state his brother was in, set out on a mission of finding every unwanted substance in the room. From the bottom of Alec’s old wooden closet, he digged out an old backpack. He recalled his brother using in on his rare visits to Idris, now it will serve as a deposit bag for everything that he will have to get rid off. First thing that landed in said backpack was everything that remained in a brown paper bag on Alec’s desk, and soon Jace was pulling all of the cupboards in the room, dropping the contents on the floor. He knew he won’t miss a thing, because as much as his siblings teased him about his OCD and a need to organize and clean, it meant that he meticulously completed a task of searching as well. What stopped the search prematurely however was Alec’s voice. Jace didn’t even realise that until now he couldn’t hear a conversation, now it became clear that this whole time Izzy was trying to get Alec’s attention and that clearly their brother was too far gone in his high to function properly. Now however he was coming around, or so it seemed. 

‘Izzy’ said strained, somehow sleepy voice. ‘What’s up little sister?’ Alec was trying to focus on the face in front of him, blinking his eyes rapidly. Izzy seeing him struggle and in such a state decided that they had to first take care of him and then move on to lecturing when there is an actual chance that he will listen. 

‘Everything’s ok Alec. We are here now. Just rest for now big brother. Tomorrow is a new day’ With that she sat on Alec’s bed and even though her brother hit his growth sprout recently and was all long and lanky, comparing to Izzy’s short frame, she somehow tucked his head in her shoulder and began stroking his hair, whispering words of reassurance. 

Jace watched the scene in front of him and soon abandoned his task, instead he helped Izzy and now sleeping Alec lay on the bed in a more comfortable position, joining them, he cuddled Alec’s left side after covering them all with blankets. They drifted of, heavy minds and heavy hearts, yet souls full of hope. *** He opened his eyes, blinking slowly. His mind felt really fuzzy, as it always did after a night of using. He needed water and preferably more sleep, he went to get out of bed but a heavy weight on his shoulder stopped his movement. Alec looked to the right and noticed a pool of black hair resting on his shoulder, Izzy. Turning to the left he could see Jace, mouth slightly opened and drooling on his pillow, with his arm draped protectively over Alec’s waist. He was trying to recall anything from last night, but his mind was blank. What happened? Did their parents get hurt, was it Max? What if he was too high to do anything? 

What if…? No of course not, it’s not possible that they know? How would they? Alec had no idea what was going on, but he knew he was starting to panic. His movements rouse his siblings out of their peaceful slumber, and as soon as he was able to free his arm he was out of the bed and on his feet. Having no idea what was actually going on he decided to play it cool. 

‘What are you guys doing in here? Did you both have a nightmare and needed a cuddle?’ his fake laugh that followed this lame joke, almost caused him to slap his forehead. 

‘Well anyway, I still want to get some sleep so you guys can go back to your rooms now, I’m sure mum or Hodge will come looking for us soon, and I also want to shower, so yeah, you guys should go. Or maybe I will go and shower? Yeah sounds good, don’t touch anything in my room, I will go now… yeah… umm’ Alec stopped his babbling, blindly grabbed what he hoped was a towel and started making his way towards the bathroom door. He froze on the spot when he heard his sister’s voice. 

‘We know Alec, you can drop the act’ it seemed like the time froze, there was buzzing in his ears and probably cotton in his brain because he couldn’t think, he was still stood there after a minute, unable to move or to form a coherent thought. In that time both Jace and Izzy moved from his bed to stand in front of him. Izzy’s hand on his shoulder jerked him out of his haze. 

‘Alec, did you hear what I said?’ 

‘Uhm, yeah I did, but I don’t know what you mean. You know what?’ 

‘Come on brother, you know what we are talking about, don’t you A.G?’ No! It was impossible, he managed to hide his secret for so many months, he was doing so well, and now they knew. The one thing in his life that he didn’t have to share, the one thing that was bringing him peace, and they will want to take it away, he couldn’t let that happen. He has to get rid of them, hide his supply. He needs to work out a plan... 

Alec suddenly springs to action. 

‘I don’t know what you mean Iz’ he says at the same time backing away from his siblings. He tries to obstruct their view of his room, heading straight for his desk, which he knows his last night supply was left on. 

‘I think you guys should leave’ They start talking again but he ignores them, his stuff is gone, he starts frantically looking around, all caution gone, it’s not under the table. His covers go flying up, he didn’t leave it on the bed or under it, he can feel his heart speed up. 

In the span of five minutes Alec is ripping the room apart. He doesn’t care for anything, throwing books off shelves, half of his clothes are already out of the closet, if Jace was to be honest, it was terrifying to watch. His calm and collected brother being in such a state, because he couldn’t find his narcotics. Looking at Izzy he could see tears in her eyes, as if sensing his gaze she looked up helplessly, pleading with her eyes for Jace to take action. Strong pair of arms wrapped around him, and even though he wanted to trash and fight, he felt deflated. All hope seemed lost, because he couldn’t deny it any longer. His secret was out.


	5. All of my love

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Magnus Bane in the house ladies and gentlemen!

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So now that we are back to present time, we will see how life is for Magnus and Alec past Lake Lynn.

**Present time. ******

********

Magnus entered the loft with a smile on his face. After all that has happened he was coming home to the men he loved, he was coming home to cuddles and kisses. He felt like he was still sleep walking if he was honest with himself. Everything that went down since he met Alec Lightwood seemed like an elaborate tv show plot, but now finally Valentine was defeated, everyone was safe and sound, there was no dead parabatai and even though the war cost them many lives and some alliances, he couldn’t help but be grateful because after all in the big scale of things they came out on top. 

Assuming that celebrating the positive turn of events with champagne, food and in company of his favorite Shadowhunter was justified, Magnus made his way to the kitchen. Finally now that few weeks passed since Lake Lynn and everything was calming down he felt like it was time to take a moment for themselves, to breath and spend quality time together, without the prospects of missions, clients, paperwork, cabinet meetings, yeah they’ve been busy recently. Deciding to cook instead of conjuring their dinner he started assembling ingredients. Lost in his thoughts and focused on his task he barely noticed that the time slipped away from him and before he knew it everything was ready, turning away from the oven, Magnus looked around the kitchen and deciding that he filled his share of manual labour for another few months he wished the mess away with a flick of the wrist. Making his way to his closet he realised as he looked around the loft that one crucial thing was missing, Alec. Surely he should be home by now, looking at the clock Magnus realised that it was already nearing nine and there was no sign of Alec even though he promised to be home before seven. An uneasy feeling settled in his stomach. Alec couldn’t have been on a mission, they had a strict rule that he was to be informed of any missions that Alec was attending in case of emergency, so that wasn’t the case. For a moment Magnus thought that maybe his Angel got sidetracked while doing paperwork, again. There was many reasons for Alec to be late, few of which Magnus really tried not to think of. Shaking his head, he sat on the couch, phone clutched in his hand, waiting on any news. 

*** 

Magnus was dozing off on the couch when he heard a soft click of the front door. Glancing at the clock he noted that it was already half past eleven. He sat up, and tried very hard for his face to look neutral, trying not to let his disappointment, anger and annoyance show. Alec walked in hoping that Magnus was asleep, however recently rarely anything went the way he wanted it to, so of course his boyfriend was up and waiting for him on the sofa, his face twisting in a range of emotions. 

‘Well, I guess you must like your dinner cold, seeing as it’s rare that you are ever home on time.’ Magnus said not moving an inch, he leveled Alec with a look that screamed ‘I dare you’, his arms and legs were crossed as he leaned, seemingly casually against the back of the couch. Alec shuffled his feet in place for few seconds, took few deep breaths and finally looked up at Magnus again. He opened his mouth, closed it and opened it again. After not saying anything for another minute, the silence between them growing ticker and ticker, Alec moved, kneeling in front of Magnus, he reached for his boyfriends hands, his own hoovering in the air for a second longer, eyes locked with the warlock, seeking permission to make contact. Something in Magnus’s eye must’ve told him that the damage wasn’t as deep because a second later he was kissing the ring covered knuckles. 

'I’m so so sorry, there was new recruits coming form Idris today, the Clave is sending more Shadowhunters to New York all the time, as we are pretty much at center of this whole damn war, apparently, and some of them are so damn young, they do stupid things and today one of them got seriously hurt during an outside training session, it was a mess and I had to deal with it. I lost track of time, I’m really sorry. Please Magnus, forgive me?’ The last two words are said in a pleading voice, accompanied by Alec’s puppy eyes, which he knows Magnus can never say no to. 

‘Could’ve still called me.’ He mumbles, still annoyed, mostly because he knew he will forgive Alec for whatever his excuse will be, and partially because he’s sad they didn’t get to spend time together like he planned. And he cooked dinner, with his hand mind you! He only slightly feels like a petulant child, while he adds. 

“I actually cooked dinner, with my hands’ he exclaims, for some reason rising his hands and twisting them back and forth. For his credit Alec now looks even more sad, and like he’s ashamed, guilty. 

‘I’m so sorry, again. I will make it up to you I promise. Not tomorrow but’ He stops for a second, like he’s considering something. ‘ What if I take a day of on Saturday huh? I mean we only have around 50% chances that the world will burn.’ He says sarcastically, and if Magnus’ heart melts at anything, it's definitely Alec and his lopsided grin, which he is throwing at Magnus right now. 

‘I would love that darling, but if you stood me up again I will lock you in a room with Simon right after telling him I just showed you Star Wars for the first time’ he smirks mischievously. Springing to his feet he makes his way towards their bedroom, Alec following closely behind. 

‘You wouldn’t! Promise you’d never do that. Magnus!’ 

*** 

The next couple of days are again very dull, and only the perspective of a full day with his Shadowhunter helps Magnus get through the rest of the week. Alec is mostly gone, busy at the Institute, but even when he’s home he seems distant and Magnus can’t help but worry about his boyfriend, he mostly blames it on tiredness, which Alec is without a question. He definitely lost weight in the recent weeks and he looks like he’s in need of at least forty hours of sleep. They definitely need that time off. Saturday rolls around and it seems like the birds are singing again. Magnus is out of bed and making coffee before it’s even eight. He’s too eager to leave New York behind, he goes back to the bedroom to lay next to Alec, nuzzling his head in the Shadowhunters neck to rouse him out of sleep. Slowly the hazel irises focus on his. 

‘Mornin’ Alec mumbles, lazy smile on his face, he closes his eyes again, inhaling deeply. ‘I smell coffee’ 

‘Morning Angel, yes coffee is indeed waiting for you, you just need to move your lazy ass.’ 

‘Hey, its my day off.’ he says but still he sits up on the bed. 

‘I know darling but I planned a whole day for us, I want to use this opportunity.’ Magnus winks at him and waves his hand, blue magic seeping from his palm. Two trays filled to the brim with delicious breakfast appear in front of them. After few minutes of munching on his belgian waffle Magnus turns towards Alec again. 

‘So did you have anything in mind for today, we can always adjust my plan? 

‘Not really, I’m happy to do whatever you want’ They share a happy smile, full of content. 

‘Are you not hungry darling? You’ve barely touched anything?’ The Warlock says after noticing that Alec only touched his eggs. 

‘I had a big meal before I came home yesterday, Izzy made a huge order at Taki’s’ 

‘Well at least finish your bacon.’ he winked at Alec. ‘ And get dressed comfortably. I’m going to go get ready’ With that Magnus wished his tray away and with a peck on Alec’s cheek, and another one on his lips after a second thought, he got out of bed. 

*** 

They have spent an amazing day together. Magnus was impeccable in planning anything it seemed as they managed to visit three different countries in three different time zones and still feel relaxed, fresh and rested. Starting of with a breakfast in Paris, they explored the city for a while and then portaled to Marrakech for a late lunch, they spend less time there as it wasn’t their first visit to the city. They have ended their day in Bali, wrapped in each others arms, gazing at the beautiful sunset. As the sun was setting behind the horizon, Alec thought that there could not have been a more perfect day. Which only intensified his guilt because despite feeling content in his boyfriends arms, there was an itch deep within him and he couldn’t wait until he was able to scratch it again.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I'm sorry. I can't let them be happy.  
> Also don't worry we will go back and see how Alec dealth with his issues as a teen.


	6. Moby Dick

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Poor quality content ahead.
> 
> I'm really sorry, I wish this was better.

No one overcomes addiction overnight, it’s not as easy as waking up the next day and thinking _‘today I’m not going to drink’_ , it takes days, weeks, months to get rid of the overwhelming need that sits deep within you, and most often than not it stays with you forever. Alec would often think back to the days after Izzy and Jace found out about his problem, he thinks about their reactions the most, the disbelieve at first and then the pain in their eyes when they could see him struggled. Sometimes has to think especially hard about it when he has a sudden urge, because those never completely went away. On days like that he would remember everything so clearly, like it happened yesterday. 

*** 

**Six years ago.**

Jace felt Alec go lax in his embrace. It seemed like his brother lost the will to fight against him and he didn’t know if he should be relieved or worried. Izzy was already kneeling in front of them, right hand lifting Alec’s head so she could look in his eyes. 

‘Alec? Are you ok?’ She knew he wasn’t, but honestly she was coming short when it came to dealing with addicts. 

‘Izzy?! What’s going on?’ Alec said, hoping that playing dumb will work for him. 

‘I think you know Alec.’ She leveled him with a look full of concern but there was a mix of something else in there, something that made her look so much like Maryse that Alec was close to questioning if this wasn’t actually a hallucination. 

‘ No I don’t actually, you and Jace have been talking nonsense since you woke up, maybe you should check in the Infirmary, maybe you’ve been poisoned.’ He knew that he had no ground, he was still wrapped in Jace’s arms, he looked like hell warmed over and he was also pretty sure that his brother and sister already got their hands on his stash, which in retrospect he should have realise earlier to save himself the embarrassment of trashing his room in such fashion. His reflections were cut short by Jace. 

‘Cut the crap Alec, there is no need in pretending. You take drugs and me and Izzy know about it.’ Straight to the chase. A clean cut, that’s what you usually get with Jace, and Alec shouldn’t be surprised but still it hurt, just how easily those words came out of his parabatai’ mouth. He protected his secret for months, he was doing such a good job, and now in a span of minutes it was all gone, like a bubble it burst and left him empty handed, typical. Can’t he have anything for himself? 

’ And?’ he asked bitterly, because frankly that was all he could feel. Anger, annoyance. Why couldn’t they leave him alone? 

‘And? Did you seriously just say that?’ At least now Jace was on his feet, leaving Alec to sit on the floor, Izzy close to him but no longer touching, she still had a troubled expression on her face, but now it was directed towards both her brothers. ‘ You are addicted to drugs! God damn it Alec, are you this stupid!? You must realise that’s bad right? We watch mundane movies Alec, we know what that does!’ At this point Jace was ready to shake some sense into his brother. What was he not understanding about this whole situation? 

‘Well you said it, I must be stupid.’ Alec says with with conviction and a hint of mockery, and both Izzy and Jace flinch slightly, because they know their brother, they know his self worth and how low it was. They also knew how smart, hardworking and caring he is, but it’s sometimes hard to say it, to show it. At those words Isabelle scotted closer to Alec, again bringing his face towards hers, this time she held it in between both of her palms. Alec had no choice but to look at his sister. 

‘We all know you are not stupid, but we also know that drugs are dangerous. Me and Jace just want to help ok? We will help you stop’ Her smile flattered slightly, there were tears in her eyes. ‘ Please let us help?’ 

‘What if I don’t want your help? What if I don’t want to stop?’ He didn’t, there was nothing more that he wanted at this time and probably forever, then take a hit. 

‘But you can’t, it will kill you Alec!’ She almost shouted, desperation now present in her voice, why did she think this was going to be easy, why did she think that a simple request will have Alec drop everything to please her? Force of habit perhaps, an entitlement that came from being a little sister? 

‘It won’t kill me, I have it under control’ He did, he had a schedule and he kept with it, it was under control, why couldn't they understand? 

‘And by control you mean being easily followed by Izzy and not noticing that we got into your room and searched it, while you were sat on your bed, drugged out of your mind?’ If being called stupid stung a bit, this felt like a stab in the back. 

’ Jace, calm down...Alec?’ Izzy and Jace kept talking, kept trying to convince him that there is no other way than quit, at this point Alec was pacing his room, trying to mute their voices, trying to control the trembling in his hands. Running away wasn’t an option, he had nowhere to go and Jace would track him with their rune. Ignoring his siblings was even less possible, both of the younger Shadowhunters could be compared to stubborn mules. The last option was to let them help, but that would mean admitting that there is an issue. He knew there was, he wasn’t that stupid, but he will be damned if he admits it. When Alec finally came to a halt after walking in circles for ten minutes, both Jace and Izzy tensed, they had no inclination as to what to expect, all they had was hope that Alec will make a right decision. 

*** 

The next weeks, months were the darkest days for the Lightwood siblings, each day brought new challenges. For the first few days they feared for Alec’s life as he was going through withdrawls. After the worst was over at least physically, came the battle of the will and mind. Some days the need was too strong and they would find Alec wandering the streets, like a hound sniffing the dealers that roamed New York City’s streets, they would drag him back to the Institute, after a while growing immune to the horrible insults that would fly their way, repeating a mantra _it’s not Alec, it’s drugs talking._ In the end it took them nearly a year for them to be able to confirm that Alec was successfully recovering, they were still cautious, in the course of that time they have learned a lot about addiction, and neither of them had any delusions that Alec’s fight will even come to an end. But year after year it began to feel more like a bad dream than anything else. Only sometimes Alec would catch Izzy’s eye, nodding slightly at her in confirmation that everything is still ok, or Jace would ask him the same question every time the thought would occur to him that maybe Alec needed checking in. Simple ‘Everything still fine?’ would make them suck in a breath until Alec’s confirming answer, the heaviness lingering until the next day. But for all intents and purposes they have put that part of their lives behind, or so they thought. 

*** 

Since Clary Fray made her spectacular entrance into their lives, Alec felt the itch intensify. For years he fought to gain control over his needs, for years he would grasp it and not let go for a second, because he knew what that would cost him, and now with everything that happened he felt that control sliping. Between Valentine's return, Jace’s disappearance, his own near death experience, his possession and Jocelyn’s death, even meeting Magnus and nearly getting married to Lydia, Alec was hanging by a thread to sustain a healthy, addiction free life and now as he was standing alone in a corridor not fully comprehending the fact that Magnus just finished their relationship then and there, he saw no point and continuing that sharade.


	7. When the Levee breaks

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> well. shit

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Finally!
> 
> I had this chapter sitting for ages...hit a block with it and couldn't move on, I finally deleted half of it and started re-writing and here it is.  
> Hopefully it will break your hearts ...haha.

It was nearing 8pm when Magnus finally closed the door after his last client, it was another day of constant business for him. But he was far from complaining about this particular situation, at least not excessively. For one, it took his mind off of the whole High Warlock situation and secondly, he worked so much he probably earned double of what he did for the last few years. He was in no way struggling for money, as he said many times, warlocks had centuries to collect their wealth, but it was nice knowing that his little well won’t dry up anytime soon, what with his quite extravagant taste and now with Alexander in his life, to spoil, to provide for. Because Magnus the romantic that he was, daydreamed about his future life with his Shadowhunter, and too often had to mentally reprimand himself, to calm his imagination that was already painting pictures, of a wedding, of holidays, anniversaries, family. Of things he never dared to dream about before, maybe once, but now they seemed almost possible. 

So Magnus wasn’t complaining about his earnings, he was methodically stashing them away, for future, however short it might be, which was a thought he preferred to bury deep inside himself, for now at least. Although all this work did kept him away from his favourite raven haired boy, who seemed to also be ever absent, and even when he was present his boyfriend still managed to appear miles away. There was no denying the fact that Alec was also working himself to the ground, spending countless hours at the Institute, fightin off new threats, fighting his stubborn parabatai, leading his people. Magnus tried to make sure that Alec knew to come to him if he needed, but so far it seemed like Alec was keen on keeping their professional relations to minimum. Which did not stop the Warlock from making his way to the bathroom to prepare himself in order to surprise his boyfriend at work. 

*** 

The door to the Institute opened and Izzy noticed Magnus make his way inside, she knew he was most likely here to see her brother, nevertheless she made her way towards him, heels clicking on the marble floor, Magnus was an excellent company, and Izzy was dying for some new hot Downworld gossip, Shadowhunters were painfully plain and nothing compared to some romance drama between a wolf and a seelie. 

'Magnus' Izzy waved him over with a beaming smile, she was so glad that her brother found someone who she also got along with. 

Magnus noticed her and redirected his steps towards Alec’s sister, ’Isabelle! My second favourite Lightwood. Looking gorgeous as always’ Izzy giggled, and kissed his cheek in greeting. 

‘Hello, you also are looking stunning, as always. Let me guess, you’re here to steal my brother away, again.’ She winked at him, teasingly. 

‘Well, I grew quite fond of him.’ Magnus said, with a cheeky wink. ‘What can I say, he has an irresistible charm’ Izzy rolled her eyes at that sentiment in such an Alec fashion that Magnus couldn’t help his smile softening, and it stayed firmly on his face after her next words. 

‘I can attest that the feeling is mutual. Although I’m surprised you’re not bored of him, he’s been spending so much time with you recently.’ Izzy only teased, she was ecstatic about their relationship and how well it was going, after the little hitch with the soul sword she was worried it will end, but then Alec and Magnus got back together and it seemed to be going in a right direction this time. Her brother deserved all the happiness in the world, that was for sure. 

‘Really? I feel like we never see each other, there’s always paperwork to fill out, or there’s new recruits getting hurt, I swear it’s like Alexander is running a preschool rather that a Shadowhunter Facility.’ 

‘Mmm that’s weird, we didn’t have any recruits getting hurt recently.’ she frowned slightly in confusion, ‘Alec must’ve mixed something up, his head is probably exploding from all the paperwork.’ She didn’t dwell on the fact that her brother was losing his head, instead directing Magnus’ attention towards the subject she was interested in. She failed to notice a troubled look on the Warlocks face. 

*** 

Magnus returned to the loft an hour later. He has spent around half an hour chatting with Izzy and when he finally decided it was time to see Alec, he found his office to be empty. Alec’s room was empty as well and no one could tell him where to find his Shadowhunter. And if the conversation with Izzy made Magnus’s gut twist in knots, Alec’s absence from the Institute made it ten times worse, making Magnus’s insecurities and doubts resurface once again, even more so if considering a fact that he spoke with Alec few hours before deciding to visit him and there was never a mention of him being gone from work. With dark thoughts swirling around his head, Magnus clicked his fingers, his deep green slacks, which he paired with a black shirt and long maroon coat, disappeared, their place taken by a pair of black yoga pants and a green tank top. He made his way to his bar cart, all the while trying to find a reason for Alec’s lie. Stumbling once again over that word as it made his heart shatter. Lie. There was no doubt in his mind that once again he was being lied to, by a person he hoped would be the one he could trust the most, by the person he loved, by the person he thought would be his future. And if he was honest with himself Magnus didn’t know if this time he would be able to forgive. He sat on a couch, whiskey on rocks in hand. After going over every possibility for the current situation he fell asleep, an empty bottle of Macallan next to him. 

*** 

Alec was on his way back home, or least wherever his feet carried him, as he couldn’t exactly comperhand what was happening around him at this given moment.  
Hi thoughts evaporated few hours ago when he took his first hit of the night. And it was glorious. Whoever managed to convince Alec years ago that using was bad for him clearly never been high. He never felt as free and as relaxed as when he was under influence and he needed that, he needed the release, and now he won’t let anyone take it away from him. He is going to protect his secret.

Unconsciously he made his way to his and Magnus’ loft.

*** 

Magnus was ripped away from his drunken slumber with a loud bang of the front door, first he was disoriented but after the initial surprise, he was angry. Not only did Alec lied to him, again, he also apparently lost respect for him and his neighbours as it was a middle of the night.  
Not thinking clearly in his intoxication he charged his boyfriend, angry accusations slipping off his tongue the second he turned the corner of the entryway.

‘Are you out of your mind? You probably woke up half of the building with this loud banging.’ 

‘Mmm, yeah. Sorry about that. Did I wake you?’ Alec asked, whilst struggling to focus on what was happening. 

‘Yes me and half of Brooklyn’ Magnus bit back, now that he was up and Alec was in front of him, and there was probably still half a bottle of whiskey in his bloodstream all he wanted was to fight Alec, to confront him and to get answers. ‘Where have you been?’ 

‘Out?’ sufficient answer, as it seemed for Alec. 

‘Out? Seriously that's you answer? I go to the Institute to surprise you, you’re not there, I come back home, you’re not here. It’s 2am Alec, I’m going to need more than ‘out’.’ 

‘I was… uhh tracking demons, like always’ why can’t Magnus just leave him alone, why can’t he just let him be? 

‘That’s great, and have you been tracking demons by yourself everyday? It surely looks like it, as you’re never home, or at the Institute. Tell me the truth Alexander’ Magnus demanded. 

‘There’s a lot of demons in New York.’ 

‘Is that how you want it to play it out, you’re going to stand here, lying to my face? Again? Is that how little I matter too you?’ Magnus couldn’t keep angry tears out of his eyes, another one of his nightmares was becoming reality. ‘Look at me!’ He shouted at Alec who’s gaze was wondering around the room, like he was bored of their conversation. 

‘Why would I lie? There are demons here you know?’ Magnus stared at Alec in disbelieve, maybe his intoxicated brain wasn’t connection dots correctly, but it appeared to him, that his boyfriend completely disregarded whatever he was trying to communicate. He felt like he was speaking to the wall, and if Magnus learned anything in his 800 hundreds years of life it was that he needs to respect himself, and right now he could do only one thing to keep that slef-respect. 

‘I think we’re done here.’ He whispered under his breath, heart breaking once again. He never expected that he would break up with the love of his life twice in such a short time. He was sure that once he finds someone who possessed his heart and soul it will be forever, but clearly no matter how strong his love for Alexander was, it wasn’t enough. 

‘Hmm? What did you say’ Alec asked, still looking somehow distracted. 

‘I said, you should leave. We are done.’ His was was shaking now, words hard to get out. 

‘Ohh, ok. I guess I’ll pick up my stuff later.’ Alec said with a little shrug of his shoulders. With that he turned around and left the loft. Leaving Magnus speechless. He really meant so little to the Shadowhunter?

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Sorry for any errors.  
> much love guys xx


	8. Black dog

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Well, I didn't expect to have a chapter ready so fast, but here it is!
> 
> *  
> Just as an aside, I have included Izzy's yin-fen storyline, but it is different from canon as you can imagine it wouldn't go with this story, you'll get what I mean once you read this chapter.
> 
> Enjoy!

Izzy didn’t think about her conversation with Magnus until she was laying in bed. Before falling asleep she thought about the conversation she had with the Warlock and about the look of surprise on his face when she mentioned that they didn’t have new recruits. It was surely nothing, but she had a nagging feeling in the back of her mind that wouldn’t let her disregard that situation. As she was slowly falling asleep, another memory popped into her head. Magnus’ words ‘I feel like we never see each other’ ringing in her ears, because just yesterday she had a conversation with Jace about the fact that Alec’s been spending a lot more time with Magnus than usually.   
All the dots started connecting in her head and the shape they were creating was the furthest from what Izzy would desire. She tried to disregard it as nothing, she tried to tell herself that she’s overreacting, that she’s reading into it, but no matter what she was telling herself, the answer was staring at her, and it was ugly, it was all she never wanted to think of again.   
She picked her phone up and messaged Jace. There was no time for sleep. It was a situation that needed dealing with right at this moment.   
Jace answered right away, alarmed by her frantic text. Not a minute later Isabelle Lightwood was hurrying along the empty corridor, heart heavy and thoughts unsettled.

*** 

‘It’s just not possible’ Jace said, sounding less convince with each minute. ‘I would know, I would be able to tell!’ Would he? If he was honest with himself ever since Lake Lynn, his connection to his parabatai felt different, almost subdued. So how could he be sure. Would he really be able to distinguish that certain feeling from all the others, the same way as he was able to do years ago? 

‘I don’t want to believe it either but don’t you think it all fits too well into the puzzle to not be true? 

‘Well yeah, but do you really think that after all we’ve been through he would do it again?’ Jace realised he sounded naive saying it, he knew a lot about addiction, he learned a lot about the hold it has on a person, yet when it came to his brother, he somehow thought the rules might not apply? 

Isabelle understood exactly what Jace meant, she also deluded herself into thinking Alec is different than other people with addictions, that once cured, he will remain as such. But it wasn’t a simple disease. It was tricky and messy, it was nastier than any demon they faced and it was back in their life’s once again, she was almost sure of it. 

’Yeah I really think he would, with everything that’s happened recently especially.’ she said, thinking about Alec’s breakup with Magnus and all that happend with Valentine and Sebastian. 

’You sound really sure.’ 

’Yeah, well let’s say I have some experience?’ 

’What do you mean?’ Izzy breathed out deeply and confessed to Jace. She told him about the time Aldertree offered her yin-fen and how when she used it all, she went back to his office in search for more, about how desperate she was to use it again. Jace was shocked to hear Izzy’s confession, ashamed that yet again he let down one of his siblings. 

’What stopped you? You did stop right?’ 

‘I did. After I failed to find any yin-fen I was ready to find another source I could get it from, when I was grabbing my jacket I looked at that frame that’s on my desk, it has the picture we took after Alec’s first therapy. I keep it there to remind myself how we failed him, but also to remember that we helped him get better. It hit me then that what I was doing was a road to addiction. You and I know about it more than I wish we knew, so I didn’t leave the Institute, I trained to get my mind of it, it was hard but I never went back to it, but it gave me some idea of how Alec struggled and how he got addicted in the first place. So yeah I understand.’ 

They were silent for a long moment, both lost in their thoughts, Isabelle felt somewhat lighter now that she shared her own struggle. Jace was trying to process all the information he just received. He stood up and moved to sit next to Isabelle, putting his arm around her smaller frame. 

‘I’m always here for you if you need me little sister. Also I’m proud of you.’ He kissed the top of her head and was again grateful that he found family in the Lightwoods. 

‘Thanks Jace. I love you.’ She smiled while hugging him back. 

‘Love you too.’ said Jace, after a second adding. ‘So what do you say? We go back to sleep? Or would you rather get Alec to talk some sense into him? 

’There’s no sleeping for me tonight so let’s go, I’m sure Magnus and Alec will be delighted to be up at 4 in the morning.’ And despite the little chuckle they shared, they could feel heaviness in their hearts at the hell they were sure was awaiting. 

*** 

Alec was wandering the streets of New York yet again, he was coming down from his high and he vaguely remembered his conversation with Magnus. From what Alec was able to recall, he was now a free man yet again, Magnus wanting nothing to do with him and it didn’t hurt as much as it used to, it didn’t tear him apart, it was inconvenient that’s for sure, he will lose an excuse to leave the Institute at any given time, but maybe if he kept it a secret from everyone he could just use the time he would usually spend with Magnus for activities that right now brought him more pleasure than anything else. Like right now, he realised. Right now there was nowhere he had do be. He was free to do whatever he wanted, and what he wanted was for those pesky thoughts to go away, so for the second time that night he made his way to the usual hang out spot of his dealer. When he gets there, he can see the surprise on his dealers face, but beyond that there’s no questions asked, after all for him it’s just business. For a second Alec considers just tearing the bag open right there, somehow the need for a hit growing greater every minute even though he already had his share today. Instead he leaves and turns few more blocks before disappearing into an ally that looks as good as any for this type of activity, he at least has half a mind to activate his glamour before he’s down on the flour, back against the brick wall. A deep sigh of relief leaves his lips as soon as drugs hit his bloodstream. He can’t imagine a better feeling, he can’t imagine ever wanting anything more than that feeling. He’s elated. 

*** 

For the second time that night Magnus gets woken up by a loud banging of his front door, unwillingly he leaves his bed. There’s black tear tracks down his face, his hair is sticking out in every direction, but he doesn’t care. He plans on getting rid of whoever is bothering him fast enough for them to not ask questions. He thinks it might be Alec, back to apologize, back to mend things, but he doesn’t think there is any way to fix it, not this time. He opens his door to Alec’s siblings and it figures they will come to plead their brothers case. He starts speaking before they have a chance. 

‘I do not want to hear any of it, this time I did my best and it is entirely you brothers fault, but you’re free to take his stuff back, that way I don’t have to see him again.’ With that he walks away leaving the door ajar. 

‘What are you talking about Magnus? Plead his case? Izzy asks 

’Take his stuff where?’ Jace adds right after. 

’Is that not why you’re here? To accuse me of breaking his heart again? To beg me to take him back?’ 

‘You guys ...broke up? When?’ 

‘Mere hours ago’ Magnus waves his hand tiredly, and continues towards his bedroom, but Izzy’s hand on his arm stops his movement. 

‘Where is Alec now?’ 

‘How should I know? He clearly didn’t care to share his secrets with me when we were together, why would he do that now. Judging by how casual he was about me breaking up with him, I guess he didn’t care for me either.’ Magnus said, his voice breaking a little, chest tight at the fresh memory of their break up. 

Suspecting that Alec might’ve gone back to his old habits was one thing, having Magnus pretty much confirm that by describing Alec’s out of character behavior, so similar to the one from years before, was another thing. It almost brought the young Lightwoods to their knees. Magnus could see the crashed expressions on the Shadowhunters faces, at first he was surprised they cared so much for his and Alec’s relationship, but then when Izzy heavily sat down on his red armchair, with Jace coming over to comfort her, he was just confused, and naturally he was curious. 

‘What’s going on?’ He asked after few minutes, feeling like he deserved to know. Not only because they barged into his house at an ungodly hour, but also because it was concerning his boyfriend, well ex-boyfriend, but he was ignoring that fact for a time being. Izzy and Jace shared a look, clearly trying to decide if they should share their brothers secret with Magnus, when he himself clearly decided against it. They must’ve silently decide that the Warlock deserved to know. Jace looked him in the eye and with a firm yet broken tone said. 

‘Alec is a drug addict, and we think he relapsed.’ 

’Excuse me?’ said Magnus. ‘Could you repeat that?’

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So yeah some of you were asking if Magnus knows. He didn't until now. ups


	9. Communication Breakdown

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Please read he notes before reading this chapter.

‘Alec has a drug problem.’ 

Both Izzy and Jace look up at the sound of hysterical laughter erupting from Magnus at their statement. Both of them realising that it must sound ridiculous, that it’s something no one would ever think of their brother, yet they had not expected Magnus’ reaction, if anything they thought that their relationship with the Warlock had reached a certain point in regards to trust, and that he would believe their word. 

Magnus on the other hand found it hilarious that this two children would come to his house in the middle of the night just to tell such ridiculous tales. In his many centuries of life no one ever amused him so much. He was conflicted between being offended, because they are clearly challenging his intelligence, where the other part of him wanted to give them a comedy show. 

‘This is the craziest thing I’ve heard my entire life and I’m centuries old. You’re out of your minds if you think a lie as such will make me forget your brothers behaviour. I think I’ve heard quite enough tonight, you know where the door is.’ After opening the door with a flick of magic, Magnus turned around and started making his way towards his bedroom, still murmuring under his nose, Izzy and Jace could make out hims saying something about clowns and comedians before they spoke again. 

“We wish it was a lie, but it’s not’ Izzy says, her voice is as sincere as it is broken. There is a moment of silence, as Magnus takes another few steps, before taking a deep breath, and turning around. Looking up again, he wishes he still believed it was a joke, but now seeing only pain and desperation in those deep brown eyes, he can’t allow himself that illusion. Still after a day he’s had it’s really hard to grasp the true meaning of her words. His Alexander, Alec Lightwood the Head of the New York Institute, Shadowhunter extraordinaire. A druggie? Magnus could keep going for hours about all the qualities and characteristics that could describe Alec, and not one of them would come even close to ‘addict’. It makes little to no sense, doesn’t add up at all in his head. 

’That’s impossible> Is all he says, even though with each passing minute it becomes more and more...possible? 

‘We wish it was. We really do.’ And there’s sadness in Jace’s voice that Magnus never thought he would hear coming from the cocky blond Shadowhunter. Never thinking of Jace as someone with capability of being a regular person, not entirely focused on killing demons and making bad decisions. 

‘He’s ashamed of it.’ Izzy said in a sad voice. Knowing her brother didn’t like to talk, or even mention his addiction, only on rare occasions when he knew they needed reassurance, it shouldn't surprise her that he didn’t tell Magnus, but it does, because she knows Alec trusts his boyfriend, and she know that the love they share is rare, so why would her brother sacrifice it by lying? 

‘Ok, this went far enough now, I seriously ask you to cut this out, there is no way that Alec could be addicted to anything,he is… he’s not, it’s not something he would ...do. It’s Alec.’ Magnus stumbles over his words, because even if he still wants nothing more than to deny their claims, the images in his head are shaping up a clear picture. Been alive for as long as he had been, he has experience many thing in life, learnt many valuable lessons, learnt the tells of an addict. And standing now in the face of this terrible truth, he sees them. He sees it all. It’s like someone took of a blindfold and allowed him to see for the first time in weeks and now it was all playing out in his head. All the times Alec lied about his whereabouts, all the times it took him a second to long to answer a question, and not because he was tired or distracted, but because he was coming up with a lie. The blown pupils, the clenching jaw, the weight loss, all the times Alec was a bit to energised, or a bit too spaced out. It’s all staring in his face now, and Magnus Bane feels like a fool. 

’Yeah, we had a hard time believing it too’ Jace says, and it’s laced with guilt and resignation. 

’When did he start?’ 

’Well he started using when he was 16, managed to get himself in quite a bad state before we …’ At that he shares another look with Izzy, both swallowing thickly. ‘Before we even noticed something is wrong. It took us a long time to get him better, it was a struggle, we were even getting him help with mundane treatments. And he was clean for almost over five years now. Well until now’ 

‘What was it, what is he taking.’ 

‘From what we know it started with some pills, then he moved on to cocaine. That’s his favorite.’ 

’And how pray tell dear Isabelle would you know that?’ The warlock asked his voice laced with sarcasm, by now he was getting frustrated, and angry. 

‘He’s tongue is quite loose when he’s high.’ After that comment they all felt silent and Magnus couldn’t help but feel that anger build even stronger inside him, at Alec for not trusting him, at himself for not noticing that something is wrong with his boyfriend, and even more importantly at Jace and Izzy, even knowing it’s irrational, he can’t help but place the blame on them. If only they came to him, if they forced Alec to tell him, if they only kept a closer look at their brother, they wouldn’t be where they are now. 

’You should’ve told me before, you should have made him tell me. If I knew he had a problem I would’ve looked for signs! You should have make sure he is doing ok’ accusations are spewing out of his mouth, even when rationally he knows telling him would have to be Alec’s decision, and that clearly Izzy and Jace took care of Alec as much as they could, but irrationally he feels too guilty to admit that he also has a hand in Alec’s relapse, but he lets the anger consuming him, because it’s better than letting himself be swallowed by worry and guilt. 

‘Alec didn’t want to tell you and it wasn’t our place. We have been keeping an eye on him for years now, but I guess him spending so much time at you home never crossed are minds as a red flag.’ And now it was Izzy’s turn to sound bitter and accusatory. She done everything in her power to help her brother, and she won’t allow anyone to undermine that, not even a someone she considers a friend. There’s another silent spell going around the trio as they all try to gather themselves and unload the heavy atmosphere. 

‘He hasn’t been spending time here. This last month I’ve barely seen him’ Magnus claims, 

’ Yeah that’s what tipped me off, when you came to the Institute today and said that you never see him it just didn't add up, cause I thought he’s been with you all the time.’ 

‘So you came here to confirm your suspicions’ Both siblings nod in confirmation. 

‘Yeah, but we didn’t really expect that, we still hoped we are wrong. But when do we ever get lucky am I right’ Jace exclaimed with a humorless chuckle, while sitting heavily at the end of Magnus’ blue sofa. ‘He’s probably somewhere hitting a vein right as we speak.’ At those words all three of them sharply looked up, three pairs of eyes looking in horror as they realised the truth behind Jace’s words. 

‘We are sitting here like a bunch of idiots, why he’s out there, nothing stopping him now that he thinks you guys are over! Idiotas!’ With this exclamation Isabelle was almost out the door but was stopped by Magnus’ voice. 

‘Izzy, let me do the tracking spell before you run around New York like a headless chicken.’ The young women blushed at Warlocks words, but she tracked back into the living room to wait for Magnus to perform his spell. 

*** 

The blue magic illuminates the room only for a fraction of a minute, and soon Magnus is dropping Alec’s shirt. Next a golden ring of a portal appears in the middle of his living room. With barley a glance the trio crosses over, each consumed by their own fears. 

A dirty alley is probably what they should’ve all expected but it is not any less striking to realise that this is where this horrible sickness led Alec to. Fully stepping out of the portal it doesn’t take them a long time to locate the young Shadowhunter. Barley braced by the wall, he lays by a dirty dumpster, his body exposed, defenceless. His arm lays naked, with multiple needle entrances, his eyes rolled to the back of his skull. He lays there, an addict, Alexander Lightwood The Head of the New York Institute. 

Soon the portal opens again, three people ready for battle. One person oblivious to the struggle coming his way.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hi guys! It's been quite a while, I'm really sorry but life takes over! Stuff with uni, work, with my mental health. But hopefully I'm back for more than just one chapter.
> 
> ***  
> And as for the chapter itself, there is a use of a derogatory word towards people with addiction. And I hope it won't offend anyone. I in no way have a want, or need to trash people that stuggle with this sickness, it's a serious disease and if you stuggle with it, please get help! 
> 
> ***  
> this work has no beta, and english is not my first language  
> Please point out any mistakes and I'll correct them 
> 
> xxx


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